I Am Batman
by Twiddler83
Summary: Summary? This crack-fic doesn't need a summary ... because it's about me ... Batman. AH - ExB - EPOV Drabble Fic Rated M
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello again peeps! Here is another fic! I hope you enjoy the insane little ride that came over my hamster wheel on night while talking with the ladies. A big thank you to Mid-Night Cougar for her Beta skills ... and to Joeh & Misseh for pushing me through it and to tell me it was worthy of being called a "crackfic" This is EPOV - Pre-written - will post regularly. **_

_**One time only - SM owns twilight ...but I own Batman underwear!**_

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"Mom," I yell. "I brought you some new underwear." I rush through the garage door and come face to face with my mother.

I need her to attach my name to these quickly.

There is nothing like the feel of new briefs against my nether regions.

"Okay, what do you need me to do with these?" she asks when I thrust the shopping bag toward her.

"Hello!" I throw my hands around in the air. "I need my name on them … stat! Evil doesn't wait for anyone, especially Batman," I huff and look at her, crossing my arms.

"Edward, really? Aren't you a little too old to have me sewing your name in to your underwear?" She looks at me with defiance.

"You're kidding." I laugh. "I don't want them with my name, I need my alias. Plus, it makes me feel secure knowing nobody is going to steal them." I nod and turn to leave but quickly face her again when she asks the dumbest question ever.

"And what name would that be, Edward?"

I put on my fighting evil façade and answer with dignity. "Batman. You shall embroider them with pride. Oh, and could you wash them too in that good smelling laundry stuff you have?" I bat my eyelashes at her while she rolls hers.

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_**Are you with me? Let me know! **_

_**xoxo Mandi Niko**_

_**Find me on FB for pictures of certain things that will come into play in the next chapters! Twiddles & Bits is the group or friend me - Mandi Niko**_


	2. Chapter 2

Boots … check.

Cape … check.

Utility belt … cowl … armor … check, check, and check.

I adjust my belt in the full length mirror, appraising my devilish, good looks and sneer into the mirror.

"No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you, cold!" I laugh in the face of danger.

Who could blame me, I am Batman.

I turn around and stick out my briefed clad butt, making sure "Robin" is tucked safely in where he's supposed to be. Satisfied, I reach for the car keys on my dresser and I bolt across the yard, through the house and find Mom and Dad eating dinner. "I'll be back soon. Don't wait up." I flip my cape over my shoulder and place my hands on my hips.

"We never do, Edward," Dad says in a monotone voice.

"Shh … tonight … I am _Batman_."


	3. Chapter 3

**_Thank you for your reviews! Gah! They're AWEsome! Also - thanks to Misseh for my awesome Batman banner! Muah! Sunflower... R liking inch ur story? *bats eyelashes*_**

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Pulling up to the shadowy park, it's evident that dusk is upon us and evening approaches. You cannot see the lush, green grass that covers the wide open space nor the children that grace this park during the day. Bringing on a dark and mysterious feel—a perfect backdrop because this is when terror and evil lurks.

I park my car, keeping it on as my theme song finishes and I step out, ready for battle. I turn toward my car, dusting off anything that could lessen her beauty.

Yes, it is the current love of my life: my own personal Batmobile. Don't knock me. I cannot afford the three million dollars for the original. Trust me, I've checked.

Mine is gorgeous, in her own right. She's a 1982, black, Buick Regal Grand National. I've added some under glows to her bottom side, that way people can see me coming and to let them know I will keep them safe.

The best part about the car though, is my booming stereo system.

It makes my theme song sound extraordinary when it blasts through the speakers. I turn heads everywhere I go tonight. It's only because they want to catch a glimpse of Batman, and I'm happy to let them stare slack-jawed and amazed—I see it in their eyes—jealousy.

It's a little disconcerting seeing a mother pull her child to her side and cover his eyes when I stroll by them, so I decide to let them know, "Fear not child, for I am Batman."

His mother answers me with a sneer, "You're a damn pervert."

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**still with me? Now staceleo - post! Pweeese!**


	4. Chapter 4

There's not much wind tonight, which heightens my bat-senses. Looking up, I see my Bat-Signal.

I take off running, my cape fluttering behind me because of my quickness.

"I see the Bat-Signal, who is it this time?" I stand tall, even though I'm huffing from running. My eyes cutting to the left and to the right.

"We haven't even started yet, dumbass. Jasper was fixing your 'Bat-Signal' for chrissakes." Rose huffs, pulling on what looks to be green boots.

"Oh." I'm a little sad over the fact that this isn't an emergency. "Well, who are you tonight?" I ask her.

She rolls her eyes. "Emmett insisted on me pretending to be Poison Ivy."

"Hell yeah!" he yells as he's riding my Batcycle in circles.

"Hey, get off that. It's restricted for Batman only." I rush over and pull him off it. It's not really a Batcycle, but I use it as one. It's a mini bike painted black, and I love it. I found it at a yard sale a while back. It wasn't running, but I worked on it and changed a few wires and low and behold, my "Batcycle" was born.

"Oh, stop being a baby. You forgot it last week and I did you a favor bringing it back." He rolls his eyes as he dusts off his ass from when he fell on the ground.

I shrug, not caring. It's mine. I don't share well with others. My mom says it's because I'm an only child, and I say it's because my shit is awesome and I don't want anyone touching it.

And it's because, _I am Batman_.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Gah! Your reviews are awesome! But, I will tell you, I cannot reveal Batwards age. I would love to see how old you readers think he is! Thank you for the feedback! MUAH!_**

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"What the hell, Spidey? You shot me in the eye with your web," I moan out.

"Shut up! I didn't mean to. My Web Blaster was turned the wrong way," he huffs out, situating the blaster on his arm. "There."

_Thank God._

"My super vision is incorrect. I don't know if I can proceed." I stand, blinking my eyes open and close.

"It's because you still have my web all over your face."

"Well, retract your web Spider-Man."

Jasper reaches up and removes the offending string, freeing me from the confines of web.

"We have to catch Poison Ivy," he points out.

I look over and see her stalking a little fairy, who is Alice, by the way. She's covered in glitter, sparkling like a disco ball.

"So many people to kill ... so little time," Poison Ivy cackles.

"Hurry, we need to get to her." We race over, only to find that Poison Ivy has gotten away, once again.

"She's sneaky," Spider-Man says as he looks around. He quickly climbs in a tree and perches himself on a branch. "I think it's best, Batman, if we use a sneak attack." I nod, agreeing with him.

"Where is Superman? It's Alfred's emergency belt-buckle Bat-call signal! He's in trouble!" I look around and find him at a food cart vendor.

"Superman, we need your assistance," I yell at him, my Bat-voice carrying over the open space.

"Shut up! Superman can't fly if he doesn't have an extra-large coney." He shoves the hotdog in his mouth chewing like he has mad cow disease.

"Evil doesn't wait. Stop fiddling with that atomic pile of crap and come back here!" I start stomping toward him, ready to yank that offending meat out his mouth.

"Well, sorry, Batman, but neither does this." He takes another large bite and I give him a bitch brow, even though you can't see because of my awesome, homemade cowl.

"Well, neither do I, because I am Batman." I rip the nasty meat from his mouth and smash it into the ground like I do with evil.

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**_A/N: If you guys are not reading StaceLeo's story Curve Ball - you need to get on it! Snarkella and Dorkward are adorable! I need more woman! I need more Butterfly!  
_**


	6. Chapter 6

"Unhand her," I yell as I'm pushing my Batcycle to the max. I try to use my weight to get it to speed up, rocking myself back and forth to no avail. I think it needs to be charged. I'll have to remember that tonight.

I finally catch up to Poison Ivy, at the same time Spider-Man shoots her with his web and Superman flies in and grabs the poor unexpecting fairy.

While she's studded by the awesome web, I do a drive by and kick her off the beaten path into the ground. My internal quote bubble pops up, "Kaboom!" I skid my cycle to a stop, propping it up on its kickstand.

Spider-Man jumps from the tree, down to normal level and we rush over to capture Ivy.

"POW!" I throw my fists toward her.

"We've caught you now," I roar as Spider-Man shoots her more of his tangling web.

"I'm going to turn you in to the Commissioner as soon as we have you secured."

Rose is moaning on the ground and I smile. Her drama skills are fantastic. I would kill for them.

I see Superman rush toward her side and notice him wiping tears from her web covered face.

"You're a douche," he hastily says to me.

"No, I am _Batman_." I throw my hands on my hips in victory.


	7. Chapter 7

"Look, Emmett, I'm really sorry. I guess I was caught up in the moment of defending innocent lives from evil. Whatever is fair in love and war is also fair in crime fighting." I shrug.

After our role playing, we decided to call it quits for the night after Poison Ivy was injured in the heat of battle.

"Bullshit, Edward. She has a boot print on her side. You probably exploded a kidney or a baby making ovary. You know we want a Lois Lane and a Clark Kent one day," he huffs, holding onto Rose. She's leaning into him sniffling.

_Hmph_ ... I thought she was a lot tougher than this display of displeasure she's showing.

Always so dramatic.

"Don't make that noise at me. This is stupid. It's supposed to be fun." He rubs her face gently.

"Look, Batman is sorry. It was wrong." I pick at the grass below my criss-cross applesauced legs.

"Damn, right." Rose winces as she sits up. "Maybe you need a girlfriend. Then, maybe you would see how Emmett feels. If I could get up and not cringe, I would literally whip your Batman loving ass. I'd take your black, mother humping tighty-whities and give you the biggest wedgie from here to Timbuktu. You're a freaking man-child that needs a lesson in loving something besides something fictional," she states, sneering at me as she moves to get up.

"Oh, Rose. Please don't be upset at our dear Batman. He doesn't understand." Alice smiles gently at Rose. She moves over to her and stands behind her sprinkling fairy dust on her.

"Bright light … shining light. Heal this hurt with all thy might," she chants, while the sparkles flutter over Rose and the wind carries it over to Jasper and I.

My internal quote bubble flutters above my head, _Arrrrrgh!_ "You evil fairy, now I'm covered in your dustings."

Now I gotta wash my suit. This isn't cool because I'm out of Woolite. It keeps my black outfit shining black.

Because what kind of Batman would I be with a washed out, faded supersuit?

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_**still with me? **_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Your reviews are fantastic! Thank u so much! They are cracking me up!**_

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I come home to arguing parents in the kitchen.

They left the garage door open, so I am able to unload the Batcycle into the garage easily without being detected. I plug it into the wall, charging it so when our next battle arises, Batman is ready.

My bat ears perk up with the mention of my real name.

Granted, the crazy civilians in there never argue, so it bothers me when I know they are arguing about me.

"He needs to grow up," Mom states as if it is a simple equation. I hear her embroidery machine running, but it doesn't drown out the expression of failure in her voice.

"I know that, Liz." Dad's voice filters through and you can hear the disappointment in it. "He needs to meet someone, but I highly doubt some young lady is going to be interested in someone addicted to Batman."

_Holy haberdashery!_ This is the second time in a matter of hours that someone has stated I need a Batgirl.

"He needs love from another. Maybe, just maybe, he will find someone who accepts him for him." I can hear the love in my mother's voice.

"That's highly unlikely. He calls his 'home' the Batcave. It's_ ridiculous_. He lives in the 'mother-in-law quarters' that came with the house. I love my son, but this is getting out of hand. We should have done something about it when he was younger."

"Well, Carl, I'm not going to give up on him. I love him for all his quirks. I just want him to be happy."

"You are sewing our son's alias in the waistband of his underwear, for chrissakes. You're enabling him. He runs around in grown men's briefs and women's pantyhose," my father roars.

I finally stop listening and walk out the garage to my Batcave. It's where I will find peace and reflection.

To them, I am a nobody. I am not Batman.


	9. Chapter 9

I change out of my suit, hanging it up, remembering to wash it tomorrow before we have another "revenge on evil" date. I quickly throw on some sweats and a t-shirt and carry my bare feet to the living room. I pick up my Batman Snuggie, sliding my arms through and wrapping the soft fleece around my body. It's quite epic because it looks like a Batsuit. My grandma got it for me, so I promise that's the only reason I use it. It's not very manly of Batman to be caught using a Snuggie.

I look over and find my laptop, quickly opening it and signing in. It comes to life, and I open the browser to my email.

No, I do not need penis enlargement pills. My Robin is just as it needs to be. I already have a problem with him fitting in my Bat-briefs.

No, I won't be sending in my information for an all-inclusive jet packed vacation. I have nobody to spend it with, so why travel alone? Nonsense.

_Viagra?_ That is definitely not needed. Those little blue pills scare me. I had snuck around and found my father's stash and took one. Robin was weeping for hours and couldn't stop. Needless to say, I was raw for a week.

Now, to the good stuff. I have updates on the items I have bids on eBay. This is my guilty pleasure. I scour the internet for all things pertaining to Batman, because I am Batman. It's my stuff and others shouldn't have it. I take a quick look around my Batcave, deciphering where I shall put these much needed things in my lair. It's always a good idea to be prepared, because Batman—quoting Shakespeare—said, "Better three hours too soon than a minute too late."

After checking my bids, and re-bidding on some items, my mind drifts back to what my parents were insinuating as well as my evil doer friends.

Maybe I do need someone? Quite possibly someone that finds my interests exciting and new. My Batgirl could be out there fighting crime without me.

Opening up a new browser, I have it set in my mind that I will stop at nothing to find her.

I type out the first few letters and it prompts me to where I need to go.

_Craigslist._

It opens and comes to life with a ton of listings concerning where to find certain objects pertaining to one's desire. I am fairly familiar with the navigation of this site, so I quickly move to where I need to enter.

_Men seeking women. _

I will find her because I'm determined to find someone and prove them all wrong.

Because, I am Batman.


	10. Chapter 10

_**I love your thoughts! They warm my squishy heart! **_

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"The Batcomputer is none too frisky today, _Batman_," I say to myself; the blinking cursor light feels like I'm staring down Two-Face on a good day.

It's nerve-racking and not fun to put yourself out there into cyberspace.

"Yes, I want to post to _classified in this category_." I click the link highlighted in blue.

"_This is a personal/romance ad_." The little button gets smaller.

"I would like the _dating, romance, long-term relationship_." I sigh to myself.

"Oh, birth mother of Batman, this is stupid," I sneer out.

"Yes, I am a _man seeking woman_," I huff, but for some reason my eyes are catching the woman seeking woman link.

The Snuggie is rising due to Robin trying to catch a peek at what's on that screen.

"Not now, I have important business to attend to. You will get yours later." I push him back down and get back to the task at hand.

_Posting title._ "Gee willikers, what am I supposed to type here?" I know this is what people see when you first search. It's gotta be something catchy and fun.

Oh! I got it.

_I am Batman, bitches._

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**_still with me? I think we are gonna find out how old our batman is soon... What do you think?_**


	11. Chapter 11

_**The chapter you all have been waiting for! **_

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I fill in my age: _thirty._

My location as always: _Gotham City._

I quickly type out my email address for the lucky ladies to reply to: _batman_forever at yahoo . com_

Now, for the posting description. How does one actually say "I'm fucking awesome" without sounding like an insane person?

Gadzooks!

_I am Batman, looking for his Batgirl. I enjoy long flights over Gotham protecting the city from evil almost every Sunday evening. I would love to experience romantic dinners by candlelight in my own personal Batcave. My Batgirl must be able to have fun on weekends, reading the funnies and washing my Batmobile._

_Only serious replies, please._

"There, that should do it. How much more descriptive can I be?" I whisper out into the hollow empty room.

I should have just written out what I am feeling. There would be no description needed.

Hell, I am Batman. Nuff said.


	12. Chapter 12

_**First - thanks you for all your reviews! They made me happeh! Lol**_

_**please read AN at the bottom. TY**_

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Week one does not fare too well after I had posted my classified ad; the same goes for the second week.

People are so mean. I should put on my supersuit and track down the naysayers. This is pathetic.

Yes, I was honest in my posting.

No, this isn't a joke to lure women into my Batcave and have inappropriate doings with them.

No, I'm not a pervert.

Yes, I have a life. A great one, in fact.

I am far from an eighty-year-old man trying to sneak up on little children, nor am I a freak of nature.

These are the kinds of comments that have been delivered every day to my email. It's a little disconcerting finding out there really is nobody out there for me.

"So …" Jasper cuts off my sad thoughts. "What have you been doing this week?"

"Ehrm … working and checking my emails. That's about it. I did get to fix this extremely nasty Nano virus that came shooting through a system control panel earlier this week. It was completely amazing and I rocked it!" I smile because I completed the task fairly quick.

"Wow, that's … awesome!" he deadpans, so I decide to let Jasper in on my secret.

I tell him about what Rose said over a week ago; how it really went to my batwings. I then replay when I went home to discover my parents were also in a heated discussion over my stability and lack of women.

"So, I put up an ad on Craigslist looking for my own Batgirl and it's not going too well." I shrug, saddened by the turn of events. I really thought there was someone out there waiting for me to come rescue them from the depths of loneliness.

"That's too bad, man. I'm lucky I have that crazy fairy over there. She's the best ever." He looks at his girlfriend and smiles. "I'm going to ask her to marry me soon. I just gotta find the right time."

_Holy matrimony!_

"That's nice," I whisper, shocked.

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_**an: So I've had readers comment that Edward is mentally retarded. This statement is not true! Edward is not mental! Edward may be a little cookie - but no just no! **_

_**Please when u read this ... Imagine edward as a Sheldon from bigbang if you would! please think of the movie - failure to launch. Remember how his parents couldn't get him to move? it's supposed to be funny! **_

_**Now ... Still with me? **_


	13. Chapter 13

With my Batcycle charged and ready to go, now is the perfect opportunity to take out the Green Goblin.

"Naan-naan-naan-naan-naan-naan-naan - BATMAN!" I yell as I speed off into the night.

I see him straight ahead. "You'll never get away," Spider-Man yells into the blackened darkness.

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the Goblin and took the spider out," he cackles as he presses farther ahead on his Goblin Glider—which is a pretty awesome skateboard painted green. But, nothing compares to my Batcycle.

"You'll never get away with this, Goblin," I chant, as Spider-Man is throwing out his webs left and right.

Uh … oh. He's looking pretty unsteady as he goes flying around the corner of the sidewalk. Spider-Man catches up to him and his web surrounds him, but it causes him to fall onto the ground.

My internal quote bubbles are flashing above his head when he falls to the ground.

_Crash! _

_Pow! _

_Wham! _

_Boom! _

On the outside, I'm concerned, but on the inside, my voice is ringing out because another evil doer is off the streets.

"This is becoming ridiculous!" Rose shouts from across the park, as she runs toward Emmett.

"It's not our fault he fell." I shrug.

"You were chasing him on that stupid bike while dip-shit over here was on foot."

"Avenge him, sweetness," Emmett croaks out, still in character as he slowly dies on the sidewalk.

First of all, I'm a little scared when it comes to Rose. You never know if that girl is going to go bat-shit crazy one moment or hug you the next.

It's worth it, though, because Spider-Man and I, we make an awesome team.

But mainly because I am Batman.


	14. Chapter 14

I sing along with the theme song busting through my speakers on my way to the Batcave. My achy bones need a rest after our stage play tonight.

I honestly think Rose viciously tried to sabotage me because of the portrayal of pure evilness she provoked. It might've been rightfully so, but she was mean. She even kicked Robin's ass several times. He's in some serious need of lovin' when we return home. After the fourth kick to him, he called it quits and his pain rang out in my ears, telling me to retreat to the Batcave quickly, and there wasn't much time to waste.

I reach my hand down to rub him softly. "Just a few more minutes, little buddy. I'll get you home, away from her, and then I'll take care of you."

A few minutes later, we make it safely into the Batcave.

I pull up in the driveway and grab my cape in my hand as I gently step out of my car. I'm going to have my mother fix it because I don't think I can make another one up to this type of quality. It's impossible, but in reality, it's not impossible for Batman.

I push my keys into the lock, and start stripping off the costume that now has tears in it. I refused to cry in front of my comrades, but now I wallow in the depth of despair. I look over my suit and cry with remorse. I worked so hard on it and now I have to venture out into the open world and find another black, long-sleeved shirt. She had put runs in my tights that now showed leg hairs through them and my cape is no longer a cape but a scrap piece of fabric that lays limp on the floor. It no longer bares the emblem of Batman but is now a sad reminder of what it used to be.

When I pull my super briefs off, Robin whimpers in relief as the straining material is no longer confining him.

"It's okay, my trusty sidekick. Batman will make it better. You just need a little something, don't you?"


	15. Chapter 15

Watching _Batman Forever_ insanely turns me on for some reason. I am not sure why it does, but Robin enjoys it too as he's currently in my lap paying attention.

I reach my hand down, trying to get him to sleep, but it's no use. I am positive that my earlier promise of making him feel better is coming back.

"You have to stop," I whisper to myself. I run my hand down over him, but instead of retreating into his own little home he perks up with gratitude.

_We need to strategize Batman._

"I understand that Robin, but I'm trying to watch the movie," I moan as my hand continues to move on its own accord, ceasing to stop.

Before too long, my hand is creeping down my pants and I gently grab a hold of him. "Is this what you wanted?" I whisper out as my hand grips tighter, and starts to move up and down.

"Oh, Dr. Chase Meridian." My voice sounds deeper as I continue my ministrations. Suddenly, the blankets are thrown off me and they are lying in a heap on the floor. My legs move up giving myself something to stabilize on as I start thrusting into my hand.

"More …" I chant out and I hear my front door open. I can't stop because I'm right there. Batman needs some kind of stress reliever and I'm going to get it. I keep thrusting when I hear the loudest scream my bat ears have ever detected.

"Edward Anthony Cullen!" my mother shrieks out, as I spooge all over myself and the couch.

_Holy heart failure, Batman!_

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_**a/n: THANK YOU ALL for your words and reviewing! I love them all! You serious make Batman fight harder for the greater good! ;) I'm trying to keep up with them! **_

_**And ... to the "Guest Reviewer" who so graciously pointed out that Sheldon is Autistic but the show never points out ... please please do me a favor and find a sense of humor. I stated in the first chapter this is a crack-fic meaning it's "haha funny". YOU will not win with me, and if you think you are ... you are sadly mistaken. When I referenced Sheldon, I was speaking of which in the likes of his intelligence as well as his quirkiness. Edward is a man-child. My husband enjoys RC cars and will sit and build and can do that for hours ... does that make him autistic? NO! Does that make him different? NO! I would love him no matter what. So - get off of it. Bleh! *rant over* Sorry peeps! It's just... eh!  
**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**Let me just say a HUGE thank you to Arc Morpheus for her ohhhh so fantastic manips over on FB! My squishy heart rejoices with gratitude and mad loves! So thank you for your skills Arc!**_

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After my mother turns tail and runs like hell, I decide to take a refreshing shower. I prepare to clean up my love mess, throwing on my rubber gloves and grab the Resolve from my cleaning caddy.

I can't have my Batcave in anything but pristine shape.

Now, I settle on the clean part of my couch and fire up my trusty Batcomputer, thinking I should check out the obvious booming success of my ad on Craigslist.

Just as I had hoped, I have something that looks promising in the area of being my lover undercover. It's from a girl named Charlotte.

_Finally, one that isn't questioning my manhood._

She gives me her chat name, _battyforyou_, and I quickly sign in. We exchange a few words about ourselves, clips and phrases. She knows her Batman lingo, and my bat ears are perked with the mention of meeting each other face to face.

Luckily, I have time tomorrow and we agree that it would be quite a pleasant day to meet. We decide someplace public would be best, in case there are strange feelings lurking beneath the surface.

I can't believe I've actually met someone who shares my interests.

I mean, who can resist the Bruce? Not I, that's for sure. If I was a lady, I would be all over myself. Women must be built with deterrents from sexy things, such as me.

We say a quick good night and express our excitement over tomorrow afternoon.

As I lay in bed, the rush of adrenaline comes over me. I toss and I turn, finally relenting and heading to my closet. Maybe settling a few things before bed would help.

_Now, what should I wear?_

Considering I've never been on a date before, well, a real date, this is nerve racking. I'm Batman. I should have nerves of steel, but they are weak.

Do I wear my Batsuit?

Do I dress like I am headed to work?

Do I consider wearing just basic jeans and a t-shirt?

I fiddle with all my clothes and settle on a few things that could be options for tomorrow. Now that this worry is out of the way, I make my way back to my bed and try to sleep.

I pray and hope that she likes me and my quirks. Because, if she is who she says she is, she'll love this Batman.

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_**If you wanna see those Manippies – find me of FB – Mandi Niko**_

_**We like to talk about "knitting" and "gutters." It's quite the topics if I say so myself!**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**Who's reading StaceLeo's story … Curveball? Anyone? If you're not … Batman tells you to do it. STAT! Robin loves that Bella – hardcore!**_

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Do I stand when I see her, or do I keep seated? I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sitting here on a blanket that I've strategically placed. Enough sun to warm our bodies, but not in the direction where we are squinting to see one another.

My palms are as wet as a Penguin's backside and I slide them back and forth on my jeans a couple times.

Early this morning, I googled park dates, and it stated that strawberries and whipped cream are a fantastic treat to indulge in while chatting with someone special. I have a hankering Charlotte is going to be my someone special.

I look at my watch again, flipping up the bat wings to look at the time for what seems like the twentieth time. I notice it's only four minutes until she is supposed to grace me with her presence. I close the bat wings and look up. That's when I notice an older woman walking toward me. Her hair is blonde and is higher than the Sears Tower and her lips are painted fire engine red. I look closer and see a puff of smoke leaving those said tainted lips into the air as a cigarette hangs gingerly in between them. How she is holding onto it, as a smirk graced her features, is beyond me.

"Hello, Edward," the woman—well, Charlotte—greets me, and I cannot help the shock that covers my face.

Her voice is raspy and deep. She sounds like she has a horrid case of emphysema and has smoked continuously for over fifty years. She is clearly not the thirty-two year old she said she would be. I'm a little dumbfounded as to what is happening.

"Charlotte?" My voice squeaks out and questions as she laughs. It sounds gurgly and rough. It's the distinct sound a fish would sound like if they could actually laugh.

"Yeah," she takes a puff of her cigarette and exhales out, "that's me, sweet cheeks."

She also sounds like she could be from Jersey. _Yes! I've nailed it_. Her voice is almost identical to Marge Simpson's sisters.

"You're not the person in the picture," I state more than question, and she nods.

"Sexy little thing wasn't she?" she asks as she sits down and opens the basket, pulling out the goodies I was hoping to share with someone else.

"Yes, that woman was insanely attractive," I respond quietly, looking for an exit.

"Of course she was, it was my granddaughter."

When I turn back to her, there must be something in her eye because it's twitching profusely or maybe she's trying to give me a sexy look, but it's not working.

I finally find my voice and stop the quiver that's taking over. "Listen, there must be some mistake …" My words are cut off when I see her lips wrap around the base of a strawberry. It's grotesque and I need desperately to evacuate the premises.

I look around, because Robin has taken cover and I feel like I need to follow suit.

"There's no mistake, Batman. I'm here to try on your cape and ride with you into the night." She winks and strawberry juice runs off her chin. Robin whimpers and I try not to gag.

_Retreat! Retreat!_

"Oh, God," I gasp. I look up at the sky and pray to the Marvel gods this is not happening.

"Oh, yes, sweet cheeks, that's what I want you saying all night long. Because I've been a very bad criminal," she whispers out in a unsexy voice.

I stand quickly, brushing my backside off and I grab my keys. "I've got to go. I'm sorry to leave so abruptly."

"Oh, sugar," she licks her lips and starts to stand, "if you wanted to get out of here that fast, you should have just said something." She smiles and I start to walk away quickly while she struggles to rise from her seated position.

"I am going home alone. Thank you for your time. Please enjoy the blanket, strawberries, and whipped cream," I yell, running toward my Batmobile. I'm out of danger for now as I unlock my door and sit down, starting up my car and placing it in drive. I peel out like a bat outta hell, literally.

This is the first time Batman has ever ran from danger.


	18. Chapter 18

The door handle turns and I step through the garage door. "Mom, I need your skills!" I yell, hoping she is available to help me. I walk farther into the house and what my eyes witness ... there are no words. My father has her mounted like monkeys in heat. The noises are unsettling as I squeak out my surprise and turn for the nearest exit. I notice his ancient balls swaying back and forth and it feels like I'm going to throw up, which I do, in the nearest flower pot possible.

Needless to say, when my mother comes to see me shortly afterward, she refuses to fix my Batgear for me. _How dare she!_ She is supposed to support me in all of my adventures and now she's not even willing to help her own son fix his prize possession.

So, because of her unruliness, I'm here at my trusty neighborhood Walmart.

I park my car in the farthest spot away from all the other pedestrian parking.

I need to replace and repair my supersuit before our next outing at the park. Batman can not show up with a damaged suit. I would be the laughing stock of the whole gang.

Walking through this store—you find everything and anything. I find myself comforted in the men's section, looking for standard black briefs. Unfortunately, they are out of my size and I'm subjected to buying a size smaller.

"Holy strawberries, Batman! We're in a jam!" I exclaim. I know I already have problems keeping Robin and his friends in the previous larger ones, so I'm unsure as to how they are going to feel about becoming a lot closer due to the constraints of these new said Batgear.

I quickly grab the package and swiftly make my way to the women's department—using my Batman senses to detect unwanted prying eyes.

I spot the women's pantyhose and make a dash for them, snagging the correct size, turning to make my exit.

I smile to myself as I recall my legendary moves in order to be undetected. I accomplish it, because hell, I'm Batman.


	19. Chapter 19

I may as well check out the action figures while I'm here. I certainly do not want to return home to see a repeat of the fornication that my parents were involved in. I shudder at the thought of my father's pasty white ass flouncing in the air on top of my mother.

And to think—she thought my own type of fortification was horrendous.

I laugh at the thought.

Turning down the aisle toward the toy department, I'm stopped in my tracks by a damsel in distress that seems to be distraught over something.

"This is absolutely pathetic," she seethes to herself. "How could anyone in their right mind do this to Batman." Her head is shaking as she's rearranging the figurines on the end cap.

Stepping closer, I can see what she's so upset about.

Someone has taken to rearranging them into provocative positions where one Batman is bent over while another one is standing directly behind him.

"This is strangely erotic, though," I speak out loud unknowingly when the little brown haired fireball turns and looks at me.

"Who are you? How could you possibly find this gross display of immaturity 'erotic'?" she questions with a quirk of her eyebrow.

"It's me. I am Batman." I smirk at her, giving her my best Superhero voice.


	20. Chapter 20

"Nu-uh," she says, shaking her head.

"Yep," I quip back.

"Why is a woman in love like a welder?" she asks, and I smile.

"Because they both carry a torch!" _Yes! Nailed it!_

She looks like she's seen a ghost or something. Her beautiful hazel eyes are staring into mine, but I break the trance to use my Batman skills and search over her further.

I start at the top of her head and notice there are little bat ears that are adorning a headband that conspicuously holds her hair back.

Further down, black framed glasses are placed high up on her nose, they help hide the little freckles that take place along her cheeks.

My eyes scope even further down, and take residence on the tight t-shirt that she has on.

_Property of Batman_.

Oh, my God, it's my _Batgirl_.

"Hello—creeper—eyes up here." Her fingers are snapping in my vision. With a shake of my head, my eyes move to meet hers.

"I apologize." I look at her, ashamed. "I couldn't help but notice the wording on your shirt that states you are the Property of Batman." I smile at her and she smiles back.

"No apology needed and yes, in my heart, Batman owns me—" she stands up on her tippy toes and leans in close to my ear "—because _I'm_ _Batgirl_." She giggles and steps away from me.

My mouth drops open as I gawk at her.

_She's Batgirl_.

A beautiful one at that.

A gorgeous Batgirl, I must make her mine.

"That means you're my property." The words leave my mouth before I can comprehend what I'm saying.

Because I want to be her own personal _Batman._


	21. Chapter 21

_**Omg! Batman is super happy! He's hit over 500 reviews and we are only half way! I can't say it enough! Thank thank thank you! **_

* * *

We are sitting in the middle of the toy aisle talking about everything and anything.

"I like your ears," I blurt out, and she blushes.

"I like your hair." She smiles at me.

"Your shirt is the bomb."

"You being Batman is the bees knees."

I've learned that her name is Bella and she's had a fascination with our beloved Superhero since she was a little girl. She's read all the comics that she could get her hands on as well as every movie pertaining to Batman.

She also wants to see my collection of memorabilia, and Robin perks up with this notion that we could quite possibly have a visitor in the Batcave.

He loves to entertain, even though we never get the chance, due the fact that nobody has ever been inside except for Mom and Dad.

He wants to show her all there is to offer, and I couldn't agree more. I think having her in my Batcave would do wonders for her.

Maybe instead of the Craigslist ad I have out there, I should have just been shopping at my neighborhood Walmart for my mate.

I found her, unexpectedly, but I did.

I grab my phone out of my pocket and pull up the Craigslist ad. I quickly delete the posting and turn back to Bella.

Bella, my Batgirl.

"How old are you, Edward?" she asks as she twists and moves Batman's arm up and down.

"I'm thirty." I cringe because she looks young. This may be too good to be true.

"Nice." She smiles at me.

"How old are you?" I fire the question back at her.

"I'll be twenty-nine in a month."

I nod, because maybe my earlier prediction of this not working out will be false.


	22. Chapter 22

"Gee willikers, Batman. We've been talking in this toy aisle for two hours. I need to get going." Bella, a.k.a. Batgirl, stands and turns to proceed down the aisle. "I need to get what I came here for."

"What's that? Can I come with you?"

"You want to help me pick out undies?" She laughs, and I shrug. I'm not ready to leave her yet. I just found her.

Would it be too forward to ask her to come home with me?

"Sure. It could be an interesting adventure." I smile and she returns it.

A few minutes later, we find ourselves in the boys' department at Walmart and I'm wondering why we are in this section? I figured we would have at least went to the ladies' department but she veered this way. Batman is confused.

"Why are we in this department, Batgirl? I thought we were looking for your undergarments?" I look around, becoming more and more nervous by the minute.

"Duh, Batman. I figured you of all people would appreciate my selection choices in this instance."

"And what would that …" My question is cut off by her subtle squeal of delight.

"Oh, my God, they have a new design," she rushes out, as her head disappears into the hanging plastic bags encasing what looks to be boy's underwear. "Found my size! Yes!" She comes back out and dances around in a circle holding them close to her chest.

"Lemme see." I reach out to check them out, but she moves quickly away from me. Her skills are quick. I like it.

She thrusts the bag of underwear in my face, and I step back to look at it.

It's Batman underwear.

She wears Batman underwear.

Robin is wanting to see and I have to reach down to push him back into his tight fitting cave. Her eyes catch my movement and she smirks.

"Do we have problems arising, Batman?" she questions. There's only phrase that's rolling through my head and I unconsciously spit it out.

"Play with me?"

* * *

**_Still with me peeps?_**


	23. Chapter 23

I turn off the Bat-Signal and tuck it away in a box.

Yes, I still keep it protected. It's the most important thing that I have in my Batman arsenal.

"I'm sorry your Batgirl didn't show up," Alice whispers, looking down at the ground.

"I should have known she wouldn't show." I shrug. I'm sad because I thought this would be something we could share together like the rest of my friends.

"She's probably make-believe." Jasper laughs at my expense. I don't have the power to fight him, but that's probably a good thing.

"You're so mean!" Alice yells and swiftly picks up her unicorn riding toy and hits him over the back with it.

"Hey, it's not my fault, fairy!" he shrieks, running away from her.

"It doesn't matter, anyway. I'll see you guys later." I take one last look around and I see Alice still on a manhunt, swinging at Jasper every few steps. Rose's mouth is agape because they never fight and Emmett looks sad.

"You'll find someone, Edward. I promise." He pats me on the back as I turn to solemnly walk to my Batmobile.

Popping the trunk, I slide the bike in and then my duffle bag containing my goodies. Gently placing the light next to it, I shut the trunk down, and make my way to the door to get the hell away from here.

When I open my car door, I hear someone screaming. Of course, I'm always in character and look for the person who is making the distress call.

"Batman!" said person yells, and I turn toward the sound. "Don't leave!"

When said person moves closer, I see her long brown hair. Her face is covered by her Batgirl mask.

"Batman, please!"

* * *

_**A/N: I'm sorry if I couldn't respond to your fantastic reviews! As we all know that FF was being a little crazy today! Thank you all for your reviews. Staceleo Stories and I have a little wager ... If she writes a EPOV for Curve Ball, I said I would counter with a BPOV from Batman. What do you all think? Do you want a BPOV? If you do, let me know what about want from our Batgirl. I think she's a little itchy to chat!**_


	24. Chapter 24

I stand here and wait for her to say something. She's hurt my feelings, even though Robin really doesn't care at the moment. Her Batgirl suit is like no other. It's super tight, showing off every curve known to man. If my feelings weren't so indisposed at the moment, I might make a compliment.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. Everyone hasn't left, have they?" she questions, hopping off her motorized Razor scooter.

"That's affirmative." I nod, not looking at her. I can't, it's too hard. She's embarrassed me beyond measure.

"Damn," she whispers out and looks around.

My feelings get the better of me and I want to know what went wrong. We've been chatting on the phone and via email for a couple weeks now. I thought things were fantastic, but apparently not.

"Where were you?" I whimper out, not caring. Yes, I may be thirty, but my feelings and my heart say different.

"I've had the worst day ever, and I'm sorry. I really wanted to be here on time but it wasn't possible. First, at work, one of the coffee machines went to shit and it started spewing hot coffee all over the place. I started singing the Annie Lennox song, "Here Comes the Rain Again" and I slipped and fell. I had to use my new Batman apron to cover me, ultimately it's destroyed and stained. I just purchased it, too. It made me feel close to you. Some spawn demon child then proceeded to throw his lunch meat from his sandwich, and it smacked me in the face. I apologize for smelling like pastrami and ham. Then, when I got home, my scooter was dead and my father wouldn't let me borrow his precious Lincoln..." Her arms are flailing around and she's shifting from foot to foot. "Then when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you're upset at me because I wasn't able to watch your kick ass skills at work. And also because we couldn't play together." She looks sad as she fiddles with the hem of her skirt.

"My friends think you're not real. They think you're a figment of my imagination." I will not cry, I will not cry.

"Of course, I'm real. I'm Batgirl. Your Batgirl. Just like you're my Batman." She hipchecks me playfully


	25. Chapter 25

"You're mine?" I ask her, and she nods.

"And that would make me your Batman." With a small smile on my face I hipcheck her back, but apparently it's a little too hard because she goes flying to the concrete below.

"Holy shit, Batman. A little easy on the hip thrusts." She smiles as she pushes herself to a seated position. When she looks at me again, she's staring at Robin and friends a little weird.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, not liking the look on her face.

"You're nut is trying to escape the confinement of your super briefs." She quirks an eyebrow at me, and I look down to find one of my balls trying to make a break for it.

"Damnit." I reach down and tuck him back in, embarrassed as all hell. "These are too small but it's all they had at the time. My other ones were ripped and shredded by Rose."

She's still laughing when I look back at her, and I realize I have yet to help her up from the ground.

"I'm sorry. Let me help you." I reach out and grab her hand, lifting her easily, wrapping my arm around her waist.

"Thank you." Her nose nuzzles mine.

"Not a problem." I nuzzle hers back as I set her down on her feet.

I want to kiss her, but I'm afraid. I've never kissed a girl before, let alone a beautiful woman like Bella.

_My Batgirl._


	26. Chapter 26

I hesitate, but fortunately she doesn't. Her lips press to mine gently and I'm stunned. I need to figure out what to do. I start to move my lips over hers like I've seen in movies. I try not to move my mouth like a gaping fish needing air, but I guess I'm doing okay when I feel her hands run along my arms. Her hands grasp the back on my neck, pulling me closer to her, easily giving into the movement.

I feel Robin getting excited over this new adventure, and in my mind I try to will him away from her. The movement causes a little friction, and I cannot help the moan that escapes deep in my throat because Robin is all about our Batgirl. So instead of pulling away, I try to pick her up by her tiny little waist. My hands get caught in her cape and I hastily try to weave them through it, only finding out that I'm getting frustrated.

Her lips stop moving and a gentle purr fills my ears.

"You're adorable," she snickers, and I drop my hands to my sides, placing them on my hips.

"Your cape distracted me." I never thought I would ever hate a cape as much as I do hers at the moment. I want her lips back on mine, pronto.

"Well, we could do our own type of 'play' time if you would like, since I missed the earlier one." She looks away, and I think I'm catching up to what she wants.

"Do … do you … you know, want to come back to my Batcave?" I whisper into the darkened air around us.

She nods, and I feel Robin perk up at the mention of her coming to our lair.

"Can I kiss you some more?" I ask her, stepping closer and grabbing her hand. It's so little and soft.

"Yes." She smiles at me.

"Quick! To the Batcave!" I yell as I throw her over my shoulder and jog to the passenger side of my Batmobile.


	27. Chapter 27

"So, this is it," I say nervously. I watch her glance around my Batcave wondering what she's thinking. She's tinkered with all my figurines, even though the only figurine I'm really interested in her playing with is my sidekick, Robin.

He likes that idea a little too much because right now he's hunkered and hard, deep in my briefs. Yes, I know they are too small as we found that out earlier, but it feels as if nothing is stopping him from getting what he wants.

"This is pretty fucking sweet, Edward," Bella says as she picks up my Snuggie from the couch and sniffs it.

"Did you just sniff my Snuggie?" She nods, moving closer to me.

"I did." The way she's looking at me from under her lashes is dangerous. She's a cryptic creature.

"Does it stink or something?" I move to go smell it only to feel her hands holding me back on my chest.

"It smells good, like you," she purrs in my ear.

I whimper as I feel her breath glide over my ear—stunning my Bat senses.

"Batgirl," I whisper out.

"Mmmm hmmm," her voice vibrating my earlobe. Her lips are now encasing it and it makes me weak in my knees. It's kind of like when Superman is around kryptonite. Except this is making me feel stronger—more alive.

"Batman," she moans out.

"_I am Batman,"_ I growl.


	28. Chapter 28

**Staceleo! Here ya go! I hope you all enjoy getting in batgirls head! Thanks MC for getting this done stat and to my girls missy and Joey for making sure it's worthy! **

* * *

I walk by the chip aisle grabbing a bag of Doritos, opening it, and diving into the crunchy, salty goodness.

There is nothing like a fresh bag of Doritos to make your whole day better.

I don't want to go home. I know my father is there, and as soon as I walk in, he's going to tell me about his aches and pains. I care, but I don't. He's made me realize that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life where I sit upon a nasty recliner, eating Cheetos and watching recorded Oprah episodes all day.

I'm going to be twenty-nine in a month and I still live with him.

Batgirl should not be living with a parent.

Must make a plan.

Must take action.

With my mind made up, I will activate this plan tomorrow.

I nod to myself, because this is a great plan.

For Batgirl to move out as quickly as possible and find her own Bat Cave. She's independent, right?

I make my way around the store, looking at everything and anything.

Glade PlugIns.

Select-a-size paper towels.

Baby socks.

The jewelry department, even though I don't wear any.

I move over to the home goods section of Walmart, and pull down a bean bag chair. I decide to people watch while finishing my bag of nacho goodness.

I see people in too small of sweatpants with their socks pulled up over them. I see butt cracks and saggy boobies.

I look down at mine and smile. I may be creeping up on thirty, but mine are still flirty.

When I've had enough eyeball torture, I decide to watch some television. So, I pick up the bean bag and throw it back up on the shelf.

Yes, I clean up after myself people. What do you take me for, some kind of hooligan?

When I make my way over to electronics, I find the biggest TV and watch the Disney movie they have playing. It's Finding Nemo, as always. But this time, it's coming up on my favorite part. So I wait a couple minutes until I see the fish tank friends initiating "Sharkbait" into their club.

Ready, wait for it ... wait for it ... I feel myself moving closer to the screen.

"Sharkbait! Hoo ha-ha!" I say along with the movie.

I reach back into the bag, finding it empty. I'm sort of sad, but this is a good thing, because when I glance at my watch, it's been three hours since I first entered this store. I move to the register, and I'm greeted by a blondie with eyes of fire.

"Can I help you?" she asks and I smile at her, still picking cheese bits out of my teeth with my finger.

"I need to pay for this bag of chips." I throw the empty bag on the counter and reach into my pocket for my cash.

"You know you're not supposed to do this, right?" she asks back while picking up the empty bag and scanning it. "That's four, thirty-three."

"It's not like I'm stealing. I'm paying for them now; geez, Louise."

I hand her the cash. "Would you like your receipt?"

"No, thanks. Can you throw that away?" I don't wait for an answer as I step back and head toward the boy's underwear section, but instead I veer off to the toy section.

On my way, I notice an end cap toy display and I rush over. What I find, is undelightful.

There is my man, who's supposed to be standing there in all his glory, but no, someone has taken it upon themselves to move every figurine into a provocative position.

"This is absolutely pathetic," I seethe. "How could anyone in their right mind do this to Batman?" I shake my head as I rearrange the figurines on the end cap.

"This is strangely erotic, though," a sexy man's voice calls out from my right. I turn to look at this creature who thinks this mockery is erotic.

"Who are you? How could you possibly find this gross display of immaturity 'erotic'?" I ask him as I silently start analyzing this stud muffin that appears to be packin' some serious Robin.

He's cute.

Older.

Obviously mature; no longer a child.

"It's me. I am Batman." He speaks in the most kick ass Superhero voice since I first watched Christian Bale rock that suit.

Batman smirks, and I feel my kitty-kitty-meow-meow start hissing.

I think I've found my soul mate, seeming as kitty wants to go at him like an alley cat in heat.

I love Walmart.


	29. Chapter 29

Batgirl and I have had a wonderful past couple weeks, and I'm excited because this is the first time she's able to come and have a playdate with my gang.

She's supposed to meet us at the park, promptly at seven, and it cannot get here quick enough.

I'm pulling my essentials out of my trunk when I see a blur come flying past me.

"_Batman_, I'm here. I'm ready to help you defeat evil."

My God, she's already in character. I think I'm in love with her even more.

Robin perks up at her voice and I plead with him. "Stand down, soldier," I whisper, but unfortunately Bella hears.

"Oh, is your soldier locked and loaded?" She looks at Robin, and he likes it. He twitches and I beg him to downplay his attentiveness.

"He just wants to play." I look away, embarrassed.

"Well, then, let's play!" She winks at me and it doesn't help the situation.

I have no response for that.

"Yes, okay," I clear my throat, "let's introduce you to everyone."

She folds up her scooter and helps me with my things. I don't like that she's touching them, but she's my Batgirl.

"How did you meet everyone?" Curiosity showing on her features.

"We all went to high school together, believe it or not. We've remained friends all these years." I shrug.

"That's awesome. I don't have many friends left since I graduated. Everyone went their own way."

"It is awesome." I nod and she smiles that loving smile at me. I like it and I want to keep it on her face for as long as I can. This is the first girl that's ever held my interest. It's surprising and exciting.

We walk at a slow pace, when she suddenly stops. I turn my head to look at her and her cheeks are flushed.

"What's wrong, Batgirl?" I drop my stuff and completely face her, and her breathing has accelerated.

"What if they don't like me? What if I embarrass you? That wouldn't be very noble of me. You're the king of all things good, and yet, I may stand in your way. If they don't like me, then that means you can't play anymore or you'll dump me and move on to another Batgirl with more skills, because, despite my awesome suit, my ass is quite clumsy, you know."

How she said all of that in one breath, I'll never know.

"They are going to love you. I promise. We are all a little crazy, believe it or not." She nods, but her features are showing that she's still not sure. I reach down, grab her hand and press my lips to it.

"Nothing is going to stand in my way of keeping you." I look into her eyes, trying to penetrate them with my gaze. I'm sure my tactics are working when I see realization come to life in them.

_Gotta love superpowers._


	30. Chapter 30

"I trust you, Batman. I've just never been included in anything before." She shrugs.

"Then, let's go!" I drop her hand and move toward my goodies, picking them back up.

We continue walking for a few, until we come up on the group that's sitting around.

I make the first move to talk as everyone sits there staring at Batgirl and I.

"Everyone, I'll like you to meet Batgirl, a.k.a. Bella. Bella, this is everyone." I point out Jasper, Alice, Rose and Emmett.

"Hi, everyone. Thanks for letting Batgirl play," she says shyly.

"You're real," Jasper pipes up with a look of astonishment on his face.

Suddenly, Bella takes a step back, and I'm wondering what's happening. Is she going to run for the hills looking at all of us sitting there?

She flips her long flowing hair over her shoulder, and throws her hands on her hips.

"Of course, I'm real. I'm Batgirl." She stands proudly, looking off into the distance.

I'm amazed at her acting power. She goes from shy to determined in no time at all.

She could win an Oscar for her skills.

"Oh, my God," Rose whispers. "She's just like you." She's looking between Batgirl and I. I cannot help the smile that graces my face.

"Isn't it awesome?" I'm bouncing on my toes, excited as ever. They see what I see. My second half.

I should marry her, because it would make it official. Isn't that what they say? "She's my better half."

No words have ever been truer.

"Hi, Bella. I'm Alice." Batgirl looks a little surprised by the amount of glitter that adorns Alice's body.

"Guten Tag," Bella states back, and I'm a little confused. Did she just speak German?

"Um, okay." Alice shakes her head and looks a little dumbfounded.

"Bella is sorry. When Bella gets nervous and is around people she is uncomfortable with, she speaks in third person and in different languages"

"I don't get it. Do you speak in third person around Edward?" Rose asks.

She shakes her head, "No, because he calls Bella his Batgirl. Batgirl gives Bella strength. Bella, she's defeatable. I know he likes Bella for all her quirks. You people scare me. New people always make Bella nervous."

Why do I find this strangely attractive?

_Because, it's fantastic. That's why. It's like Two-Face, but prettier. _

"Robin, you're not helping," I mutter out, but Batgirl hears.

"Calm down, Batman. We have to focus." Batgirl turns toward me and I proceed to get into character.

_There's my girl._

"You're correct, Batgirl. Are you ready?" I ask, adjusting my cowl.

"I'll always be ready for you, Batman," she replies seductively.


	31. Chapter 31

"Oh, my evil, when you spun the Bat-bike around and your cape was able to help you catch the evil fairy, it was so awesome. It was Oscar worthy." Bella shoved another ketchup covered french fry into her mouth.

"I know, wasn't it? But your flips and stuff were remarkable." I sigh. Must be nice to have those types of moves, but apparently she'd been a gymnast for years.

_She's flexible! Our own personal action figure with moveable joints!_

Tonight has been a great night. Batgirl may say she's clumsy, but she isn't. We are sitting here at our local Burger Chief, downing some Cokes and burgers as we discuss our first official play session together. She refused to change out of her Batsuit. She wants people to know that they are protected. So here we sit, eating, rocking our Supersuits.

Have I said how much I love her?

_I, Robin, would love to see what's under the Supersuit, because I'm uncomfortable_.

Robin needs to stop, because he's becoming quite pushy lately and I would hate to find another sidekick. I'm afraid he's going to be stuck with me forever.

"Your friends are the shizznizzle, even though I was nervous and speaking in third person and in a different dialect. Since I know them now, it won't happen again." She smiles, looking up at me while the straw sits between her pouty lips. She's not helping Robin out at all as he perks up even more. And these tight-fitting briefs are not the most concealing things ever.

"They are mighty fantastic. Some people may find it disconcerting that we are thirty-year-olds playing out our fantasies in a park, but we don't let it bother us. We enjoy it. We have stressful jobs and stuff. It's our little get away from everything." I shrug as I bite into my burger. Making sure to use my manners, I wipe my mouth and chew with my mouth closed.

"It was sexy," she whispers.

"Really? You find what we do sexy?" There are heads turning everywhere. I may have said that a little too loud. It's just nobody has ever said I was sexy.

"I do." Her voice is a little deeper, seductive like.

"Wow, well … you're suit is sexy." I lean forward trying to be closer to her.

I look down and see her push a French fry that's doused with ketchup into her mouth, wrapping her lips around it and pulls it back out - leaving it ketchup free.

Robin now has his head poked up and out of the top of my briefs.

_Sneaky little sidekick. _

"I'm glad you like it," she responds softly and licks her lips.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I cannot look at her because I get all dizzy when I do.

"I wanna make you, _my Batman_, mine."

Without thinking, I stand but it knocks my drink over on the tray. Not thinking about it, I grab her hand and pull her out of the booth.

"What are you doing, Edward?"

"Taking you back to the Batcave ... now," I grit out as I push through the doors of the establishment and over to my car.

I don't know if I can make it there quick enough.

But, I know I can, because _I'm Batman_.


	32. Chapter 32

She unties my cape, and it makes me feel defenseless. I don't like the feeling, but having her hands on me, is unreal. You can't read this emotion in a comic book or retain the feeling from a movie.

I have a beautiful creature's hands claiming me, and it's quite possible she was made for me.

My Batgirl - and she wants me.

But, how do I tell her that I have no clue what I'm doing and I refuse to treat her as my father treated my mother earlier.

"Bella …" Her eyes are now dilated and fixated on mine.

"Yes," she purrs and licks my cheek.

"What are you Catwoman? You just licked me," I squeal, and she laughs.

"I want to taste you, Batman. You may have a soldier in your corner, but I have an alter ego." Her voice is an octave lower. I can tell because my ears are attuned to her voice. Maybe I should do the same with mine?

"Okay, and who is your alter ego, may I ask?"

I feel her sharp nails rake through my hair.

She _is_ freaking Catwoman.

"Catwoman," I answer my own question lowly, and I feel her shiver. "I like it." This should be good. I can try and play this game.

Robin will be fighting a battle of his own.

_I wonder if she's on catnip?_

"I want to taste you in other ways, Batman." Her voice even lower now. She pushes me backward toward my bed, and I have a strange notion of what's about to happen.

"Batgirl, can I ask what's going to happen here? I'm a little confused," I question. Her fingers are stretching the waistband of my super briefs out. Robin is quite happy as he quickly maneuvers himself to get closer to the action. Her fingertips brush over the head of Robin and he twitches, trying to get away from it, but also wanting more.

"Meow," her voice calls out. "You like that, Batman?" she asks me, and I bite my lip and nod.

"What are you worried about?" Again with another question and I'm too much into this to kill the scene play with my admission of being a thirty-year-old virgin.

"I've never … um … never been with anyone," I stammer out, and she nods.

"I know." She runs her hands up and down my manly chest.

"How do you … um … know?" I look at her, my breath is ragged.

"My extra senses are telling me so. I can smell it ... your innocence. Now, I'm about to mark my territory."

A few moments later, I'm sure her "senses" are triggered by my nervousness. When she looks into my eyes, and my girl returns.

"And also because I'm your Batgirl. And every _Batgirl_ should know their _Batman_."


	33. Chapter 33

"Holy Long John Silver, Batman!" she squeals when I drop the last piece of clothing from my body.

"What? What's wrong? It's all wrong, isn't it? I shouldn't be doing this. We should be cuddling, watching Batman movies or watching Catwoman try and destroy something. How about we do that? I think that's better, don't you?" I quickly spit out, and she's still staring at Robin while he sways back and forth. He's about to pass out. She's licking her lips and her eyes have become somewhat vicious looking.

"No, we shouldn't," she purrs into the barely lit room.

_There she is again. _

"You're never going to see me again. You're going to take me back to Walmart, because they let you return anything and everything there. You're going to trade me out for store credit," I ramble, then whimper because Robin is trying to pull me closer to her even in my distress.

Robin, calm down. It's just Batgirl. Or is it Catwoman? Hell, I don't know.

"Robin?" Her question lets me know that I have said my internal statement out loud.

"Um … yeah … he's my sidekick." I shrug not looking at her.

"Can I say good evening?"

I turn and look at her like she's grown three heads.

"What do you mean—" My words are cut off when I feel her lips touch Robin's head.

"Oh, my God," I groan when her hand encompasses him.

"Good? I've always wanted to do this," she says looking at me devilishly. She must know what she's doing—turning me into a pile of goo.

"Too good." I try to move her hand away but no avail. When I feel something lower other than her hand—I look down to find her warm, sexy mouth taking Robin all the way in and he screams with joy.

I, on the other hand, scream out in surprise when I feel Robin releasing his love serum ... into Batgirl's mouth.

"Holy-Hole-In-The-Doughnut!" I yell.

I didn't have time to warn her, and I feel bad.

I'm a horrible Batman.


	34. Chapter 34

**_I'm back! Happy late Easter to you all that celebrate it! _**

* * *

"Are you sure about this?"

"Positive." She smiles at me, but the act is scaring me.

"Batman, if you don't want to I understand," she says sweetly, and I shake my head. I want to, God, do I want to. I just don't want her to run for the hills.

"I … I'm afraid you're going to run away into the darkened night and never return." I hang my head at my insecurities.

"Never." She shakes her head back and forth. "I'm in this with you. If it makes you feel any better, there's been nobody before you." Her shy voice echoing off my walls as if she'd screamed it.

"No?" I question, and she again confirms my query.

"Oh, God, Batgirl." I lean down and hug her. "There's never been anyone quite like you in my life. You're perfect." I hug her to me and I feel her shift her little body closer to mine.

"Then … make me yours. Make me your Batgirl for good." She reaches up and places her hand on my cheek. I lean down and kiss her, my body covering hers.

"Make me yours too, _Batgirl_. I want to be your _Batman_ for a long time."

* * *

_**More in a little bit ...**_


	35. Chapter 35

She pulls her arms out of her oh-so-tight costume, and I'm welcomed by pretty, pink nipples.

_Batgirl boobies!_

"They are so pretty," I whisper, reaching out one hand to touch them, and she actually lets me.

Robin is weeping in agony, and I pat him gently, begging him to hold it together this time. He's awakened from the dead and is headed straight to where we first began.

She makes a loud hissing sound and her eyes fly open to meet mine, as my other hand comes up to capture the other boobie.

Now, I have two handfuls of Bella and I don't know what to do.

"Like this." She places her hands on top of mine and shows me what she likes. Good thing I'm a quick learner because within minutes she's clawing the sheets.

I hope she doesn't rip them. They're my favorite.

"So delicious." Whispered words are passed between her lips and it spurs me on.

My ministrations keep going and before too long, Robin is taking residence between Batgirl's oasis.

I think he has a pillow with him and his own Snuggie. He's ready for an overnighter.

"Batgirl, can I touch you here?" I ask her, showing her where I want when I flex my hips into her.

"Meow," she squeals out, and I halt all movement.

I disregard the kitty voice when her eyes meet mine and she nods.

"Show me?" I ask her.


	36. Chapter 36

"Lick it like you're lapping up milk," she moans out, and I'm currently in between her legs. I'm staring at Robin's love island and he's not happy at the moment. He's so mad he's currently spitting all over the place.

"Like this?" I murmur into her love lair and flick my tongue.

"Yes, Batman, yes." Her legs squeeze my head and there is so much pressure, it's about to cave in.

"Bite it," she grits out, and when I do there is a rush of liquid that hits my chin.

What was that? Did Catwoman just spray? I thought only male cats sprayed.

She's writhing and meowing as her head is moving side to side. She must like this lapping and biting. My tongue is tired now, so I slow my movements when I hear a hiss from above me.

I stop, and sit up on my knees. Looking down, I glance at a huge wet spot that's adorning my sheets.

_Must wash these, stat._

"Batman, are you sure you never did that before? You have a tongue like a tomcat." She smiles at me and pulls me up closer to her. She catches me off guard when she kisses me. This time it's deep and raw.

I kind of like this kissing.

"You know, you're my favorite flavor in the world. But, for some reason, mixed with mine, it's better than Fancy Feast." She licks my lips, and I whimper.

I feel her legs wrap around my waist and I'm frozen. Her legs are pulling me closer, and Robin is jumping up and down with joy.

"Are you positive?" Yes, I have to reassure myself. I start thinking about how I would look sitting on a shelf at Walmart next to the Batman figures. It would be a lonely place since they don't actually talk.

Would I look out of place?

Would someone want to purchase me?

How much would I be worth?

"Batman?" she questions, and I look at her. I see something in her eyes that wasn't there before.

"Yes, Batgirl," I answer back when I finally let myself relax and Robin is back against his Snuggie.

"Prepare for battle," she says, determined.

"What do you mean; we played earlier?" I am a little confused, pulling back a smidge.

"Because you're going in." She wraps her arms over my shoulders, and I feel her heels dig into my butt. All of a sudden, Robin is in the warmest continent known to man. He busts through something to get there and now he's setting up camp and I can't move.

"Holy balls deep," I grit out.

When I look down at Batgirl, her features show pain and I'm worried.

"Are you okay?" I have to know. I pull Robin away from making a fire, but I'm stopped.

"Don't move. I'll let you know when I send up the Bat-Signal."


	37. Chapter 37

(A few minutes later.)

"Wow," I exhale. I roll off Bella and it's so quiet; she seems stuck for words.

The little play act that we just committed ourselves to was beyond words; like nothing I've ever experienced.

"Uh, yeah. What you said." She turns to me and smiles. But it's not my Batgirl smile.

It appears like something is wrong.

"Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Insecurity is setting in and I'm worried.

"No!" she yells, but then composes herself. "You didn't do anything wrong. I mean, first times are supposed to be bad, right? Or at least, not all that great ... well, that's what I heard."

"I promise, Bella, next time will be better. I can't help it if Robin found his new little Batcave exciting and relished the life. Just don't trade me for store credit yet ... please?" I turn away from her and look up at the ceiling.

"I'm not taking you back to Walmart, Edward." She laughs, and I turn back toward her when I feel her nail tracing the happy trail to Robin.

"Good, because I want to do that again and I love playing with you." I smile, and she returns it wholeheartedly this time.

"I love playing with you, too."

"Damn right! Because _I'm Batman!_" I shout and hug her to me, kissing her face.

"My Batman," she says in between kisses.

"My Batgirl."


	38. Chapter 38

**Okay loves! This is it - The final chapter of Batman. I would just like to say thank you all for giving this story the mad love that you have and for taking a chance and reading it! You - readers - are the awesome!**

**Thank you to Joeh and Misseh for their mad love in pushing me to keep going! I love you both. Arc for her awesome manips! Loved those things woman! **

**And a HUGE HUGE THANK YOU goes to Mid-Night Cougar! *throws cape behind shoulder and stands tall* without you woman - Batman wouldn't have been able to fight evil the way he did or found his batgirl! Thank you so much darlin'! I hearts you!**

* * *

After our first official date to Chuck E. Cheese's, our tension is now gone. No more worries about if I mess up. No wondering, do I kiss her on her stoop, since we've already covered all the bases.

Things are easy and I Iove it.

I love my Batgirl.

That's the only thing I'm hesitant about. I'm worried this relationship is too quick for her. I don't want to scare her off, acting like some crazed Joker, but I want to tell her.

Batman does not like to hold things in.

It makes me feel jittery when I'm tucking away something this important.

I must tell her tonight.

So, here we are back at my Batcave, doing what we do best to resolve situations. I thought Batgirl almost spilled the beans a couple times, but I cannot be sure. I don't want to make a fool of myself if she doesn't feel the same.

That's why we are in my lair again.

"Harder, if you can, Batman, take me to the Commissioner. I've been a bad cat," Bella moans in my ear, and I grab her hips and move more deliberately in and out of her warm kitty.

Yes, I've taken to Google in my off time to learn new positions and moves. I even discovered that women have this little spot inside of them. Let's just say sex with Batgirl is better now than catching bad guys.

"Fuck, Batgirl," I moan. Robin is becoming impossibly harder.

Yes, she's turned me into quite a mouthy one. I swear sometimes she has Tourette's due to the amount of words she says at one time during our adventures in my Batcave. I love her words—sometimes they scare me—but other times they turn me on. She likes it when I tell her how she makes me feel. I, in turn, like what those feelings do to her kitty cat when I do.

Hey, don't question me. Apparently, her alias—Catwoman—has a sidekick, too.

Kitty-kitty-meow-meow. She said it's because Robin makes it purr. I don't quite understand it, but whatever works.

"Like that, Batgirl?" I pump Robin into her harder, and she screams out. He's about to do his own type of dirty talk if she doesn't hurry up and come.

"Yes … yes … fuck."

There she goes with those dirty words again. I love them, just like I love her. Our love isn't conventional as everyone may seem to think.

We told each other how we felt, how special we were to each other, over coffee one night. I went to see her at her coffee shop after one of our play dates in the park and she wasn't able to attend. She wasn't even embarrassed about me showing up in my costume, instead crawling over the counter and kissing me hard. I knew right there how much I loved her.

"Batgirl, I need you to find the Bat-Signal," I grit out, my pace becoming erratic. I can't hold out.

"The. Dark. Night. Rises!" I grunt out as Robin unleashes fury deep inside her. I feel her clamp down around him, strangling him and drowning him in her juices.

Feeling exhausted, I fall on top of her gently and stretch my body over hers. I never want her to leave.

"Don't leave, Batgirl. Stay in my Batcave," I whisper into her ear.

"Okay." I feel her shrug. "If that's what you really want. Are you sure you parents are okay with that?"

"Hey," I lean away from her, "I pay rent. Batman can do whatever he wants. And what I want is for you to stay. Plus, I'm thirty. I'm a grown man."

"Okay, but you're a man-child. A man-child that I love hardcore. Who would have thought you could even find love at your neighborhood Wal-Mart. " She laughs as I nibble on her neck.

Whoa! She said she'd stay. I'm like a kid with a new Nerf gun. I think back to the first time I saw my Batgirl.

"It was all because of your crazy Batman boy underwear. I knew you couldn't resist my charm, man-child or not." I waggle my eyebrows at her.

"It's because you're Batman. I'm a sucker for a man in banana hammocks." She giggles.

"I am, Batman. Your Batman." I lean forward and kiss her softly then whisper against her lips, "I love you too, Batgirl."

"My Batman, forever."

The End!

* * *

_**And with this ... I hit complete!**_

_**Want an outtake? lemme know! I'll try my best! Thank you folks again!**_


	39. Chapter 39

_**OMG! What's this? Yes ... it's an outtake. I have a couple more planned so hang with me! Thanks to Mid-night Cougar. She's a gem. One of those pretty ones that are rare and simply splendid! She got this back to me quickly! It's a little longer than the normal chapters! **_

_**Thanks to your ongoing support with pictures! I FLOVE them! It's really awesome to write a story and even after it's over, readers still see Batman stuff and post it on FB thinking of this little diddy! *squeezes arms at my sides* It makes my feel squishy! MUAH! **_

_**So ... here we go loves! I hope you like it!**_

* * *

Outtake – EPOV

_Months later…_

I'm nervous.

Well, nervous is an understatement. I'm asking Bella to marry me and if all goes well, she'll be my Batgirl for a long time.

_Gah! My Batgirl forever!_

Our theme song is blasting through the speakers of the Batmobile, while I sit in silence staring out the windshield. For some reason, I'm even afraid to look at her, and I think she's noticed a couple times but isn't saying anything, which is completely out of her character.

It's been nine months since I met Bella in Walmart that evening, and there hasn't been a moment yet that we haven't spent together.

Sure, we go to work and sometimes she works late at the coffee shop, but we make it work.

I love her; she loves me, so all is right in the world – right?

No, what would make it right is having my ring on her hand, showing all the citizens of the world that this girl, my Batgirl, is mine. _Mine!_

"Batman, why are your knuckles white?" I hear her ask, and it makes me grip the steering wheel tighter.

"Nothing, Batgirl. I'm just trying to put my game face on. I have a funny hankering that tonight is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions.

"Oh, really? What's the role for tonight?" She jumps a little in her seat—excited.

"I think tonight is playing out with the theme of forever. You know." I shrug, trying to act as calm and cool as a cucumber. "Batman Forever and stuff."

"Oh, _nice_. I like that one. I'm glad I didn't have to work tonight." She smiles at me and starts looking out the window again.

"I hope it will be '_nice_'," I whisper out. I knew she didn't have to work because I thankfully used my bat powers and convinced her boss to let her have the evening off. I explained to him the necessary actions that will be thrown at him if he proceeded to make Bella work tonight.

_Batman was not having it. _

I make a left turn and immediately spot my Bat-Signal. My breathing is starting to elevate and I need for all things holy to come down.

But, of course, Robin is tucked away snuggly just in case things take a turn for the worse. I know Catwoman will go after Robin first. You always take out the sidekick leaving the main character helpless without their trusty back up.

"Look, Batman!" Bella exclaims quickly when she spots the signal too. "They are calling for us."

I swiftly park the vehicle, trying to remain in character because I know what is about to unfold.

Emmett, Alice, Jasper, and Rose have practiced and practiced, over and over again, how I want this to work. Thank God for them, because I need all the help I can get.

I throw my cape over my shoulder and turn toward Bella, who is now standing beside me.

"Should we get the essentials?" she asks, her eyes darting around.

I shake my head. "There is no need tonight. The only thing we are going to need is our extremities. Well, our hands, I mean."

"Okay then, let's find those evil doers." Juno chopping the air, she breaks off in a jog, and I catch up to her.

Role playing is a lot of fun but tonight it's different. It's like we are at an Easter egg hunt and I'm trying to direct Bella where to go.

"Batgirl, what is that by the tree?" I notice Emmett standing behind it and he's holding the rope. I quickly catch a side glance at Alice, who has her camera ready for pictures, while Rose is bobbing out from behind a tree prepared to throw the glitter. Alice complained that she should be the one to orchestrate the glitter, but when I told her that her pictures were one of a kind; she smiled and nodded, understanding.

"My senses aren't picking up anything but something fishy." She glances around again as she walks closer to the giant maple in the park.

"This Batgirl doesn't like this Batman. Batgirl isn't impressed. Where is everyone at?" I see her start to shake and note she's speaking in third person. Whenever she's nervous, she speaks this way and it worries me. She's going to run for the hills.

I place my hand on the small of her back, pushing her forward. I look up and nod at Spiderman and he tugs the rope, letting Em know to lower him.

All of a sudden, I see Spiderman flip upside down and hold on to the rope with his feet and hands as he descends, slow and accurate.

_We are Marvel geniuses! Well, I am because I'm Batman._

Before I even realize, he's right in front of her and I can see him smiling through his mask.

"Holy shitballs, Batman," she yells and judo chops Jasper in the side of the arm, making him start to swing back and forth. He tries to grab a branch to steady himself, but it just makes him spin around.

"Oh, to hell with this," he says, and I see him pull the ring box out from his suit and flip it open with his teeth, as he continues to spin around.

I know this is my cue, so I drop to one knee behind her and wait for her to look around for me.

"What is going on here?" Batgirl questions still looking at Spidey. "Is that a ring you have, in a box, for me? I thought you were going to marry Alice. I mean, Jesus! What kind of cracked out shit is this?" She stomps her foot in anger. "Batman, take me to the nearest Cum and Go. I need some Doritos, stat."

She turns to find me, but I guess I'm a little too close to her and she falls over me.

"_Oomph_," she grunts out when I try to keep her from falling.

I turn back to Jasper. He tosses the ring box at me, giving me a thumbs up, as Emmett pulls him up quickly. I hear Jasper yell at Emmett for pulling him too quick, and listen to the leaves and twigs fall around us.

But none of that matters now; it's time to really put my game face on.

"Bella," I whisper out, and she looks up at me as she's still sitting on the ground.

"I love you. I am pretty certain that I loved you from the moment I saw you at Walmart on isle twenty-four." I smile and remember when I first noticed her.

"You are my first, and hopefully my last. I want to make crazy bat-cat babies with you. I want to make our own Batcave ours. I know we will probably, one day, have to trade in the Batmobile for a bigger one. But it doesn't matter because I want everything with you, Batgirl. They say that everyone has a soulmate and they are out there somewhere. I happened to find mine when I wasn't looking. Wait, I was on Craigslist, but that doesn't matter anymore. That listing was removed the moment I met you. So, what do you say? Will you always fight the evil of the world with me, and be by my side when Robin will no longer be an able to stand up and help me." I take a deep breath, ready for the most important words to date to fall from my lips. "Will you let me be your Batman forever? Will you marry me, Batgirl?"

I see her eyes grow wide at my little speech.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!_

When she finally pulls out of her daze, she smiles up at me and nods frantically. "Yes, you silly man. Yes! _Finally_. Thank you—diapered baby Bob Kane," she whispers, but then throws herself at me, and I fall to the ground.

"You've made me so happy, Batgirl." I squeeze her tightly to me, but I feel her resistance.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, and she looks away shyly.

"Just don't squeeze too hard," she says softly, looking at me.

"Why?"

I feel her arms around my neck and her lips by my ear. "Because, we actually do need a bigger Batcave." She pulls back and looks at me, and I am dumbfounded.

"Huh?"

"Batman, _Robin_ impregnated kitty-kitty-meow-meow with your super sperm and now we are going to have a bat baby." She smiles at me.

I smile back at her and I can't help it. I'm excited! _A bat baby_.

_Robin is a sly one!_

And, of course, I shouldn't have worried about anything today because I am the one and only … I am _Batman_!


	40. Outtake 2- Kaboom

_A huge thank you to PixieKat for Beta'ing this! MUAH! _

_Here's another outtake! _

* * *

EPOV

"Mother—Father?" I yell out to my parents when I push open the French doors leading into their home. I hear a giggling Bella behind me and her joy brings a smile to my face. I turn around and I smile at her. Her laughter is like wind chimes that dance on the whispers of the wind and I want to keep blowing to make her make that sound all the time. For a long time.

For _forever._

We make our way through the living room and find my father and mother perched up on stools at the kitchen island eating soup like pigeons on a rooftop.

"Oh, hey kids." My dad slurps his soup while my mother raises her eyebrows I'm guessing in greeting.

"I'm glad you're sitting down. I … well we, have some uber exciting news to share." I look over at Bella and she's eyeing my parentals' pantry.

"Hold that thought, Batman." She grabs my arm and looks at my mother. "Do you peeps happen to have a family size bag of Doritos handy? Batgirl really needs some, like stat. This one refused to take Batgirl to the Cum and Go after our extravaganza and she's starving."

My mother points to the cabinet and Bella takes off after her guilty pleasure. I smile when I hear her squeal from the pantry and the bag being torn open. She emerges with a smile on her face, bits of cheesy goodness on her lips.

"Can I continue, love?" I ask and she nods, her eyes looking for the folded chips that are in that bag.

"So, as I was saying …" I take a deep breath, "I asked Bella to marry me and she accepted." I nod and smile flipping my cape over my shoulder. No, we didn't change because we were so excited to share the abundance of news that the both of us have.

"Oh, my God." My mother drops her spoon, shock written across her features while my father looks like he's seen a ghost.

"What the hell, Edward? You're getting married?" He coughs. I'm thinking the soup must have gone down the wrong pipe.

"Yes!" I exclaim and I look at Bella who is staring wide-eyed at my parents while still crunching on her chips.

"But … but …" My mother is speechless. I knew she would be happy. Now it's time to throw out the _POW_—the kicker of the evening festivities.

"Here's the best part … my batgirl is giving me a bat baby." I catch myself squealing and jumping up on my toes.

Everything happens so quickly, even my bat senses can't keep up.

My father faints, and drops off of the stool landing in a heap on the floor.

My mother jumps up as she starts hyperventilating spilling her soup in the process. But she doesn't stop there; she slips in the spilled soup and slides to the ground.

Bella, well Bella just stands there laughing and she tugs on my cape. "This is way better than any comedy I have ever watched in my life."

I round the island to see my parents laying in a jumble on the floor, my father checking his pulse and my mother is smacking herself in the face for some unknown reason.

"Well, that was a little dramatic—even for you." I huff and stare at them like they've grown three heads.

"Dramatic? I'll show you dramatic." My father yells as he tries to pull himself up from the floor but rests on his knees.

"Oh." I see the fury in his face.

"Listen here bucko. I've sat here and watched your mother embroider your name in underwear for years. I've watched you walk out the door to go have 'play dates' with your grown ass friends for God knows how long. You've turned our mother-in-law suite into a stinking playhouse filled with plastic figurines and who knows what else." He takes take a deep breath, and during this time I notice my mother sniffling and hiding her face.

"And now …now you bring home a girl who is just as crazy, if not more crazy than you are, and you tell us that you're getting married? I understand that you're a thirty year old man and that's usually what people your age do, but Jesus Christ, Edward. Now, you've gone and knocked her up? What do you plan to do … huh? Live in your silly world of make believe all your life and …" But my father is cut off when a bag of Doritos hits him in the face.

I look over to where that bag flew from and I see Bella standing there.

_Uh oh!_

"Oh—you have got to be kidding me!" She stomps her foot like a child.

I think I like it.

"Listen here, Thomas and Martha Wayne. You are _disgusting_ and despicable!" She sneers, but I have a feeling she's not done.

_Nope, here comes another round. _

"Yes, Martha. You, out of all people should be happy that your son—your only son—has found someone that loves him with everything she has. I love this crazy man and there isn't anything that's going to change that. And you … you, Thomas Wayne, all dramatic and shit with your falling over and checking your pulse. You should win an Oscar or maybe a Tony Award for your portrayal of a man in need. Though the only thing that you're really in need of is a new brain, Scarecrow. You people should be happy but NO, of course not. Yes, I'm preggo with a little bat in my own version of a cave. He's in there hanging upside down right now, possibly doing judo chops and flips and shit and you guys don't give a crap, but I do. Because he's going to be kick ass and we are going to love him to mad bat pieces. You know—there are worse people in the world that are so called parents than what we could be. So what, we love Batman and all things associated with him. But, that won't horrible parents. Yes, we will mess up. What parent doesn't make mistakes? But you know what; we are going to rock it." She takes a deep breath and I fall a little more in love with her. I want to hump her, like now.

_Wait, she's calling our baby a "he"._

All of this commotion of a hot blooded Batgirl makes Robin stand up as much as he can in my bat briefs. He's crawling to get out and I have to refrain from letting him breathe.

_This is not the time or place, Robin._

"And another thing, just so we are on the straight and narrow Tom … Edward asked me to marry him before I dropped the big 'P' bomb on him. How do you like those apples? _Hmmm_ … put that in your soup and chew it. I bet it's delicious. So, come at me!" She puffs out her chest and taps her hands twice on her boobs.

_I love her boobs. _

"Oh, I shouldn't have done that, my boobies hurt." She grimaces.

I look over at my parents and they are sitting there astonished and aghast.

"I love you." I whisper and kiss her quickly.

"I love you, too crazy man." She grins at me, cheesy face and all and I kiss her.

"So, to the Commissioner tomorrow morning?" I ask her and her answering gleam in her eyes seals our fate.

"To the Commissioner." She whispers back.

I grab her hand and head back to our temporary cave, because I know now that we're moving. We have to move. We need something of our own, to raise a cave full of crazy bats. But I stop, and flip my cape over my shoulder and stare at the two figures before us.

"You're more than welcome to come and join us tomorrow if you feel up to it." I ask them and I see them slowly nod.

"Good, we will see you in the morning."

"Wait!" She squeals and let's go of my hand and marches over to my father, who is still on the floor.

"I'm going to need these back." Bella reaches down and snags the bag of Doritos from the floor turning and coming back, grabbing my hand.

I squeeze hers and bring it to my mouth, kissing it gently running my thumb over her ring that sits on her finger.

Lucky for Batgirl, I already have our wedding bands. Yeah, I had those specially made already because I am prepared like that.

Because, I'm _Batman_!


	41. Chapter 41

Fandom for Oklahoma

I Am Batman – The Wedding

Rated: R

Warnings: None

Beta: Midnight Cougar

Summary: It's the wedding everyone's been talking about and you're cordially invited. Please join these two crazy characters as they wed and be merry!

* * *

_Bella POV_

"Alice, are you done yet with this 'pallet of wonder,' as you call it, on my face?" I reach into the bag of Doritos and pull one out, quickly munching on it.

"Will you stop with the chips, Bella? You're ruining my masterpiece," she huffs.

I'm currently sitting in a chair, with the wonder pixie dazzling my face with powder, mumbling something about having too many laugh lines that need covering.

"Just about done, Bella. I think a tad more glitter dust and we will be finished." She nods in approval.

I start to rise out of the chair saying, "Oh, no! No more glitter. I refuse to look like a disco ball on crack today. You may like being surrounded by fairy dust, but I refuse." I shake my head at her, and she looks as if I have wounded her ego.

"But, Bella, you shining bright will enhance things. You should know this." Her mouth is gaping at me, and I continue to shake my face back and forth, watching the glitter rain down around me.

"I don't care, Alice." I huff when I can't take the shaking anymore.

"Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you." She raises an eyebrow. "There is going to be bad lighting at the park with all those candles and strands of lights. You're going to look like a ghost." She throws down the compact and moves around me, as Edward's mom steps in front of me.

"I have your veil." She smiles at me. "I know mothers are supposed to help with these types of things, but since yours isn't here, I thought I would be able to help you."

Oh, yes. _Mothers._ Well, seeing as my mother ran away a long time ago, it doesn't make a difference to me either way. I simply nod at her, letting her do this because it seems as if she wants to, and if it makes Mrs. Wayne feel better about herself, then so be it.

I mean, this whole fiasco was her idea and all.

_Our wedding day_.

Plans were disrupted after we had made a motion to pay a visit to the ole' Commissioner that next morning after we told Mr. and Mrs. Wayne about being preggers. But, when we stepped up onto the courthouse steps, his mother came running around the corner, stopping us in our tracks. Edward was appalled at first, thinking his mother was trying to stop us from what we really wanted to achieve that day. When I told him to let her have time to speak, she explained she didn't want her only child to be married in a courthouse, and that he should be married properly. I personally didn't see a problem with shotgun weddings, but apparently Ms. All-High-and-Mighty did.

Edward eventually took pity on her and we left that day with a new plan of action. She was excited when I told her this was her song and dance, but I refused to be dolled up like a porcelain doll with a stand up my ass. Edward agreed with me, thankfully, and we also decided, since we wanted certain things, that we would wait until after the baby was born.

Well, I should correct myself—_babies._

That's right, we were pregnant with twins. We found out some time later, that not only did Edward's super sperm produce two babies, but they were also two darling baby girls.

Robin never does anything half-assed.

We decided to name them after the first two Batgirls, Barbara and Betty. It was out of our love of Batman and all things associated with him that brought us together. We decided to keep it going, because it was working for us.

So, here we are today. Two months after I pushed those bundles of joy out of the cat box, I am getting married to the uber handsome man of my dreams.

"There, now you're ready." I hear the smile in her voice as I turn around and stare at myself in the mirror.

My dress is white, with bundles of fabric surrounding the bottom of it. I didn't want diamonds or crystals all over it. So, I went with plain. I'm extraordinary enough without the beading that makes this garment even heavier.

My eyes travel farther up and I notice the yellow sash adorning the middle of my waist. Thankfully, I have some great genetics, and was able to pull off being back to normal after the babies came into our world. The bow that flows down the side of my dress lies perfectly over the ruffles. The top is kept in place by straps around my neck. I reach up and adjust the girls a little bit. Something had to be done to hold the dairy cattle in their place for the evening. I run my hands over the front of my dress one more time, and then lick my fingers to get the cheesy Dorito goodness off them before reaching over and grabbing my elbow high gloves. I watch myself as I put them on and that's when I look at my hair and makeup.

_She didn't do half bad. _

But, then I notice something that isn't right.

I turn toward Mrs. Cullen and I can't help the sneer that's on my lips. "What is this?" I question her, pointing to the top of my head. "My sparkle bat ears are supposed to be straight. Not thrown off to one side making me look like I have just thrown myself together, not caring."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I thought they were straight," she answered quietly.

"Are you trying to sabotage me?" I question her. Yes, I know I'm coming off as mean and not thankful but this was her idea. I already hate being in front of new people because they scare me and to be made a fool of ... I don't think so. I just have to remain calm for my Batman when reciting our vows and try not to speak in third person or a different language.

"No ... No, I'm not! I wouldn't do that," she spouts back at me.

I reach down and pick up a Dorito and throw it at her face. She jumps back quickly, and I pounce and hiss at her. Yes, Catwoman is coming out and it's not to play sexy times with Robin.

"All I want to do is get down that aisle and marry the man of my dreams. The man whom I always wanted ever since I was a little girl. He also happens to be the man who gave me the most beautiful little girls this world has ever laid their eyes on. So, pardon me for wanting to give that hunk of man _perfection_. Since, ya know, he has given me perfection ever since that awesome day in Wal-Mart." I breathe out and I pull back a little bit, noticing the tad bit of fear rolling off of Lady Wayne.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to. I know you love my son and you both have given us those precious little girls that we love and adore. But, it's hard to step back and let you take care of him. I've always been his rock when his father was always against him. He's special and lovable, and I'd like to think some part of that perfection you claim he has, is because of me. It's hard for me to give up, but now I see how deep your feelings are for him and I have to step back. I am sorry and welcome to the family. You both are perfect for one another." She smiles, and I back away from her, looking around the room for the one person who's obsessed with perfection.

"Gimlet, get over here woman and fix my ears. I got a Bat-signal and a sexy Batman waiting for me." I giggle as I watch her jump up and rearrange the ears on my head.

"Thanks, sweet cheeks!" I hug her and look around the room. "Let's do this people!"

...

"Are you sure you wanna do this kiddo?" my father asks me, as we make the last left toward the park.

I nod my head and notice that it's become fogged from my nose being plastered to the window, and it squeaks against the glass. I quickly swipe the window with my glove when I notice the signal shining high in the air.

The limo ride consists of no talking and labored breathing on my part. My father is a simple man. When Edward and I went to tell him of our plans and about the fact I was pregnant, he simply laughed and wished Edward the best of luck. He was an easy father. He let me be me and let me live the way I wanted to. He never pushed or pulled. He always stated that life should be free, and should be that way—free speech and all that jibber-jabber he always claimed was the way of the world. Hey, it isn't my fault my father is a hippie. Make love, not war and all that jazz. I love him and I know he loves me and wants me to be happy and in love. He knew how I felt about Edward just by talking about him.

"You know, I always knew it would be him." He smiles at me, and I look over my shoulder at him.

"He's what I always wanted," I whisper out into the car.

"Then that's all that matters." He grabs hold of my hand and squeezes it, and I turn to hug him.

"He's your knight in shining armor, Bella," he breathes into my hair, and I feel like I'm twelve again when I nuzzle my face into his neck.

"No, Daddy. He's my Batman. He's my protector and my life."

"I know, kiddo. And now, he's your daughters' father. Which by the way, I miss them. They need papa time, stat."

I laugh. "They are pretty, huh?"

"That they are, baby. That they are." He takes a deep breath and hugs me tight one more time.

"I'm ready. Let's do this." I lean back and let Dad step out of the car first, and when I see his hand reach down for me, I quickly take hold of it. He helps me get my dress out of the small opening from the car door, and I stand straight and turn toward the driver.

"Thanks, Gerard." I smile at him.

"You're welcome, ma'am. But, my names Garrett." He smiles at me.

I shake my head at him. "You look more like a Gerard. It would suit you better than _Garrett_." I huff, and he laughs.

That's when I turn around and my mouth can do nothing but drop in astonishment.

_Holy haberdashery, Batman!_

It seems there is nothing but a sea of candles adorning every inch of the park. There are luminaries that have made a makeshift aisle for my dad and me to walk down. There are twinkling lights wrapped around every tree that I can see. I notice the pretty lanterns hanging from the limbs, swaying back and forth from the slight breeze that's blowing around us. The white chairs that are decorated with black and yellow ribbon, are beautifully placed in a half circle around the front of the alter. This gives everyone a view of us and our love that Edward and I are about to grace these people with when we make our vows.

When I look farther, I notice everyone is in place except for me and the girls. Alice is already standing up there in the spot next to where I will marry Edward. Then, I notice Jasper with his hand on Edward's shoulder, smiling brightly as me. When my eyes glance toward him, my breath catches and I feel tears. Luckily Rose comes to stand beside me.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" she whispers, and I nod.

We've decided to get married in the late evening in the park where we have spent so much time together with both ourselves and with the two bat babies.

"Let's do this. You look wonderful, Bella. You both deserve each other in every way. I'm happy for you guys." She hugs me and looks down at Barbara and Betty. "You chickas ready to do this?" Betty lets out a little grunt, and we laugh.

Rose starts down the aisle as the music picks up, her pulling our babies in a wagon that's decorated like a Batmobile. Barbara is dressed in a Batgirl outfit with a huge black tutu, while Betty is rocking a Robin one with a green tutu—courtesy of the gimlet, a.k.a Alice. She did an outstanding job on them, and I was surprised they weren't covered in glitter.

I listen to the awes of the guests when my father pulls something from his pocket and hands it to me.

"A peppermint ... Really, Dad?"

"You smell like cheese," he laughs, and I unwrap the candy and place it in my mouth.

"Don't hate old man. Edward likes my cheese," I counter, smiling at him.

The music changes and I take a deep breath.

"That's us, baby," he says, and I look up at Edward as I place my hand through my father's arm.

We start walking and it feels as if time is standing still. My eyes never leave Edward's when my father stops at the end of the aisle.

Well, maybe the time wasn't moving that _slowly_ because that was quick as shit.

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

And that would be Emmett. He insisted he officiate the wedding, because what kind of friend would he be if he didn't.

We didn't argue, so this could get interesting.

"I do," my dad speaks up.

"Hey, that's my line," I say to him before thinking. Everyone laughs as he places my hand in Edward's.

Keep laughing at me people, because there is nothing to laugh at when I get an up close and personal look at my Batman.

"You look stunning, my love," he whispers in my ear, and I purr at him.

_Stand down kitty-kitty-meow-meow!_

He chuckles because he knows! He's gonna be my scratch pad later.

I lick my lips and smile at him. "I love you," I mouth, and he gives me that adorable smile of his.

It's like we are on auto pilot with the ceremony, going through the motions that we practiced the day before. When it came to our vows, we went with the old fashioned ones because it has apparently worked for years and it hasn't changed, so why would we.

When we exchange rings, I giggle at the significance at them. Along with my black and white engagement ring, my wedding band has a tiny Batman symbol engraved in it as well as Edward's. When I slide it on his finger, I kiss my fingertips and place it on his ring and he does the same with mine.

Before I know it, Emmett's booming voice echoes over the opening, "I now pronounce you man and wife. Edward, kiss your Batgirl."

And kiss me he does. He dips me backwards and lays one on me. The passion that's flowing through us is unstoppable as I moan into his mouth. All too quickly, he pulls his lips away from mine.

"I love you, Isabella Cullen." He smiles against my lips, and I can't help but smile back.

"I love you, too." I straighten myself up, and we both walk over to our girls. Edward grabs Betty and I snatch up Barbara as we hold hands walking down the aisle with our daughters and into our future together as one.

But that doesn't stop Edward from making one last statement of who he is.

He quickly hands me Betty and turns around to our guests and grabs the front of his shirt with both hands.

"I got my Bargirl as well as my sidekicks for forever," he yells, and then he rips his shirt open revealing a pristine Batman T-shirt and bends backward yelling again.

"Because, _I am Batman._" He turns toward me and kisses me.

I laugh at him and his shenanigans. I love my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

_Well_, maybe if I had some Doritos.

_**A/N: **__Thank you for reading and especially for donating to Oklahoma! It's things like this that makes me so happy to be part of this fandom – how we all come together and support each other. A special thank you to the people who put together F4OK! You deserve a huge round of applause!_

_God bless Oklahoma and the families affected by Mother Nature. _


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